Month: October 2016

I come from a family of two parents that met scandously, and married too young.  My mom, a young blonde from a rough childhood who wanted to have children of her own only to prove to herself she was nothing like her mother.  My dad, a young entrepreneur with a drinking problem and a need to take care of a woman.

After my parents’ divorce, my dad remarried the same year, my mom struggled to find a job.  I fell in deep to my family of friends and did my best to manage living with my mother and her newfound freedom.

My mom always told me, life was “hard”, and that I’d need to find a man to support me.  My dad always told me I’m “pretty enough” to be picky finding a man.  My two brothers married their high school sweethearts almost immediately after graduation and purchased houses and had babies. 

I still can’t understand why.  It didn’t work for mom and dad.  In fact, 13 years after the divorce of my parents, they still openly slander the other.  The other that they openly vowed to have and to hold, for all of eternity or however that bullshit goes.  I didn’t understand it when I was 12, and I understand it even less at 25.  

So instead of marrying the first guy that looked at me twice, and getting knocked up with two of his kids just so that he could leave me for his sister’s bestfriend- I traveled.  I spent pre-high school graduation and well into my twenties skipping towns and absorbing any and all experiences I could.  Queen of relocating.  And it’s not that I’m a cynic to love.  It’s that I’m incredibly misunderstood, which has got to be the only thing my family has ever taught me.  I knew that one day I would fall madly in love, and I wanted to make sure my restless soul was exhausted by then- ready to settle.

So, I found my heart in an old friend of mine, and I moved back home and I’m happily settling down at rapid speeds.   I was so eager to share this with my family, because we finally have something in common; it’s all that they’ve been screaming at me the whole time.

But instead, my family treats me like the flighty gypsy they always have.  The free spirit, the independent thinker, “the mover”.  They refuse to love something until they see it can be loved by another.  But it’s just something you deal with I guess.  I’m grateful for my family of friends, and I’m grateful for my boyfriend’s parents, and I’m grateful for the family I’ve found.

“Family” is subjective I suppose, just like “home”.

Recently a thought that’s weighed heavy on my mind- is provoked by females (and probably some males too) that ditch their longtime friends for a romantic relationship. 

You will never live in a world where you can  A.) Talk poorly of your lover   B.) Be treated poorly by your lover   and still maintain a level of respect by the people that care for you.  If you can sit around and talk about your man/female as if their shit ain’t shit and “he ain’t even cute”, “she a hoe anyway”, and your friends don’t call you out on your shit: That aintcha boo, and that aintcha friend.

Relationships aren’t on the easy list- but they sure as fuck aren’t on the Things to Make You Miserable list either. 

The energy you allow in, the love you accept, the treatment you tolerate, all says novels about you.  If you accept a lesser form of “love”, and you bitch and moan- and your bestfriend doesn’t hate your girl/boyfriend for it… you have nothing but fakes in your life, and you should take a weekend to reevaluate your life. 

I can feel myself changing so frequently these days, it’s almost hard to hold onto a feeling long enough to write about it.  I find myself filling in the right words without any real actual correlation as the moment has passed.

My bestfriend sent me a picture the other day- a picture from May.  A scent of a time in my life before everything was derailed.  Thrown off track and travelling at great speeds towards destination unknown.  Before I got fired from my court job.  Just before I moved away.  Just before I  realized real love.

It’s astonishing and exciting and exhilarating  and completely terrifying the way the universe listens to exactly what you want.  Everything happens for a reason, everything is perfect timing.

I remember feeling so confused about my career.  About my home.  About my whole entire future.  And then I found myself on the fast track to different opportunities, different friends, different cities, different experiences, all different everything.

I had to travel the world just one more time, to discover everything I needed had been under my nose the whole time.