Month: March 2017

I’ve been battling depression for about a month now.  I’ve been in denial about it, taking a single day at a time, crawling into bed right after work, wallowing and wondering how the fuck I was going to fake another day.  I’ve kept it to myself- mostly because denial, also because I don’t want anyone getting all worried about me.  I know I’ll pull through- ETA pending. 

I’ve convinced my boyfriend that my allergies are so bad, I must lay in bed and do nothing for as long as possible, everyday.  Today he spent seventy-eight fucking dollars on Claritin again.

I’ve begged my boss to switch up my work schedule, butting my way past the others with seniority to demand the opening shift instead.  I’m up early every morning, jetting down flights of stairs in the pre-dawn world.  Is this meaning?  Is this purpose?

 I have a full time job where I’m valued more than I value it.  I’ve without-a-doubt reached the peak of my dating career.  I have this beautiful 2 bedroom top floor apartment with said man, and my two loving kittens.

Somehow I can’t get my mind right. 

The day he took me to visit his brother I was not prepared.  I had a tough week myself, and a surprise visit on a Monday after work was not in  the intiniary.   He text me around noon asking if I would go with him for a visit after work, so we were on the road by 5pm.  I’d heard so much about him already, it was just like meeting your favorite celebrity.

We arrived, and my boyfriend poured three shots.  He talked about his niece’s baseball game.  He talked about our apartment, and the latest thing his dad said that cracked him up.  He reminisced to back when they used to sneak out at night, and walk to the city.  And the time their cow got loose and took off down the highway. 
Then he left for a second.  Walked away to say hello to an old friend.  I sat in silence for a moment.  Staring at the face I knew the rest of the family knew so much better.  The family I also considered my own.  I wish we’d met sooner.  I wish we’d met in a different way.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobbed and bragged to him about his family.  My fingers trembled as they traced the hem in my pants, desperately grabbing at anything in reach.  I was sitting cross legged on the ground in my boyfriends jacket, wiping my tears as I caught the movements of him walking back to us.

“You ready?” My boyfriend asked, reaching for his glass of whiskey, and nudging me to follow.  I shoved my glass to the middle cheersing to the boys, and then poured it back.  Trying to hide my soggy cheeks.

“I’m gonna let Micaela take your shot this year bro.  I love you.” He began to pack up my bag.  I threw the next shot back.  My boyfriend grabbed my hand and guided me through a field of graves.  The sun setting behind the flowers left by loved ones.  The first time I ever met his brother.

I had such a terrible mood for a few hours today, and I couldn’t help but to accidentally show it.  I’ve had so many mixed emotions recently.  I feel like I’ve been drowning in a whirlwind of confusion, anger and doubt.

I’ve allowed myself to be in position that I’ve become stuck.  I’m stuck in a hole without a ladder and I can’t escape with anyone’s help.  I know I’m hard on myself.  I know I’m tough on myself.  I tear myself down further than anyone else I’ve known.

I’m not exercising my potential- I’m barely tapping into it at all.  I’m not chasing my passion- I’m terrified I’ve distanced myself too far.  I’m stuck and I’m scared and I’m pissed off about it.

I had a conversation with someone I see my characteristics in.  I sat at the table over tequila with my cousin/childhood bestfriend.  I came home to a loving apartment, where my lover fills my heart and my soul with happiness and fills my ears with laughter.

Why is it so easy to get angered by the things that don’t actually matter?