Month: January 2018

I felt an overwhelming sense of peace today as I carried grocery bags up to my apartment. The sun was setting and it seemed everything was a fiery cool orange. The past few days have been so sunny and warm that these winter evenings don’t have the bite quite like they used to. Or maybe it’s me that’s different. Finally grateful enough to just take in the world for the beauty that it is, instead of complaining about the cold weather year after year.

Even though I call them beers, my boyfriend always corrects me. “They’re ‘near-beers’ because they’re not beer.” Whatever. I doesn’t matter.

My boyfriend had a really rough day today. He called me around 11am yelling at the top of his lungs about the incompetence of those working around him. His own voice echoing through my phone, obvious that he was using the bluetooth feature in his work vehicle. “I don’t even know why I’m so mad,” his voice cooled a bit.  “I just want to go to the fucking bar.” he paralyzed the air, he paralyzed me.

I don’t know what I said, or how I said it, as I tried to keep from making a sound that indicated tears were streaming down my face.

My alcoholic boyfriend came home from work today with a pack of non-alcoholic beer.

I felt an overwhelming sense of peace today as I carried grocery bags up to my apartment.  The sun was setting and it seemed everything was a fiery cool orange, and nothing else mattered.

I had been fired from my corporate job for calling in sick too many times.  I had been fired on a Friday, and started my new job the following Monday.  It was a low paying, weekend working, zero benefits, start up company that more-or-less stayed afloat on the false promise of “commission”.  It was advertised as a receptionist position, which would later hold the training strategy of a sales position- an underhanded attempt to  put any ass in their chairs to compensate for their soaring turn-over rate in every department.

My interview was actually just a meeting with three middle-aged men with ring imprints on their fingers, wedding bands probably shoved into their ash trays.  I tried so hard to take them seriously as they childishly gazed at the 22 year old in the room.  I left laughing, “Yeah fucking right, never in a million years.”  I told my roommates at home that night while lighting the joint hanging from my lips.  But after a conversation with my father that night, which I thought would end with him “maybe”, “possibly’ covering my bills for the following month-  I was back on the phone with the hiring manager the next morning, accepting my new role as the fresh piece of meat at the front desk.

So there I was on my first day, 5 minutes late- just to set the precedent for my employment there.  The office was tiny.  Four cubicles lined up outside a tiny office with a tiny window that looked out at the vast warehouse.  I only knew my office manager apart from the technicians buzzing through the office because he was at my interview.  Before I left my interview, clearly turned off by the whole interview experience, he shook my hand 3-seconds too long, and then very specifically pointed out his cell phone number on his business card.  “Call me anytime.” He smiled a bright squinty eyed smile.  I had glanced down at the glossy business card now in my hand.  Wait.  Is this guy’s first name really Red Cloud?

Job requirements included answering the phone when it rang, giving buzz cuts to the technicians in the warehouse on the weekends, and making sure the office Labrador had a bowl of water.  I quickly became familiar with various garage door components, what my boss liked on his sandwiches, and one particular phone number that called in a few times a day.  We had technicians in different cities across the state, and the best part of the job was getting to talk to them to hear about their days- most of them hated the the company as much as I did.  One technician in Stockton was always exploding through the phone with jokes and impersonations and foul mouthed humor.  Aside from his name, all I knew about him was his phone number, his love for Redlines, and that he really fucking hated being in traffic.  His phone calls were my favorite.

One quiet Saturday morning we were over-staffed with managers in the office, myself being the only dispatcher.  They each took a turn between phone calls to ask if I had plans that weekend, or if I was dating anyone, where did I grow up?  Maybe I could come over and barbecue with them on Sunday night.  “I really should be getting paid more for this,” I would remind them occasionally while ignoring all their elementary flirting.

A company truck pulled into the warehouse through the roll up door, and all at once they were on their feet, echoing with banter as they headed out to the warehouse to greet the technician that just arrived.  I leaned back in my chair to check the clock, literally feeling every second tick.

The back door swung open and suddenly the air filled with the same roaring laughter that I’d been romancing for the past few months.  I got a lump in my throat as his beautiful blue-green ocean eyes bee-lined it to my desk, the only occupied desk in the office.  “Hi,” he announced with every ounce of enthusiasm, his right hand already out, ready to envelope mine, the lights swinging from the ceiling as I slowly drowned in his sea of perfection.

“I’m Jeremiah.”

GOTCHA GIRL IN THE CUT AN SHE CHOOSEY

Being unemployed has opened my eyes to the gravity of the vexation that piggybacked my every thought and action since I was 15. The loathing of not having enough time in the day, in the week, in the month, my god is it New Years already? Where has the time gone. I’ve quit jobs before- don’t fucking get me wrong. This time it’s opened my eyes to the possibilities of staying financially afloat sans time punch cards, PTO balances, and/or sacrifices of my personal life. “Personal life” isn’t that the only version you really owe yourself anyway? What a time to be alive where I can upload, share and distribute crafts, services or any other item for that matter. Be your own boss, create your own income, live in your own world.

Anyways; Tuesday morning my cousin called me around 8:30am explaining that her tire blew out on the freeway. She’s such a cute little blonde, I for sure thought this was a rescue call. “No, no, just talk to me while I wait for the tire shop,” she said. “How’s your morning going?” Well I’m awake now you crazy lady, and text me the address, I’ll be there soon.
So we turned it into a day-date. She took the rest of the day off work and we stopped for breakfast and beer. And apartment tours and beer, and beer, and beer.  Irish Pubs, dive bars, cafe happy hours, liquor stores. We made friends with a married guy who bought us a round, and gave his email address out in the name of real estate.  I got pretty wasted in the sunshine, using my current emotional turmoil as a cheap excuse. I remember little from the very last bar we went to- a cash only dive bar where I introduced myself as a different name.  I sent text messages to two old hook ups, and got very different responses: “Yo what up!” and “Who?”
I convinced one of them to drive to downtown to see me- and when he finally got there, I had already left.  Then I acted like a total drunk twat and blew him off for the rest of the night.  I apologized the next day, and he was actually pretty casj about it (thanks Javi).  I passed out in my cousins bed with a taco, and left before commuter traffic the next morning- stopping only for coffee.  I spent Wednesday in bed decaying inside, questioning my morality and hasty life choices.   Laughing in the manner in which I handle just about any problem in life, hoooty-hoooooo!

I remember being in the car with my cousin later in the night, on the way to a boy’s apartment. Her hair blowing in the wind with her left arm out the window holding her cigarette, her right hand moving along to the country song filling the air before it escaped out the window, poking at the steering wheel only when absolutely required. “I’m so happy, you know?” She glanced over at me, dancing drunkenly in the passenger seat, “I’m just so genuinely happy every time I’m with you!”

I had some errands I was supposed to do today, but I blew them off to teach myself the chords of an acoustic guitar instead. A guitar which is offensively out of tune. I also was a total piece of shit today; It’s almost 7pm and I finally just washed my face and put a bra on.

I thought all day today about how totally blessed I am to live the life I have. I’ve always felt so extremely lucky, but recently mostly, I’ve been feeling pretty happy, and secure, and worry free. I’m feeling pretty leap-of-faithy also. I’ve been living in a whirlwind of self pressure to write a book and start a business.

My book is so close to finished but I feel that I’ve been dragging my feet (for the last 2 years) and I can’t chalk it up to anything but fear. Fear is something I’ve never felt before lol. I’ve told all my stories before, but to publish them in print for strangers to read, stalkers to stalk, my parents to gasp- that’s a whole new level of storytelling.

As far as starting a business; I have the tools, I have then knowledge, I have the business partner, and we have promising clientele. I have all the free time in the world- it would be so juvenile not to use it to finally chase my dreams.

So I quit my job; Friday was my last day.

Friday night I went downtown with my cousin. We drank, and we smoked, and we made friends with everyone we made eye contact with. We went downtown with intention to bar hop, but had such a great time and the first bar, we stayed all night. I woke up the next day at 6a (per usual) and Amanda was already awake too! We still-drunkenly laughed in my guest bedroom until my boyfriend woke up to take us to get breakfast burritos.

Saturday we spent draped across the couches under blankets, watching Black Mirror, and Facebook stalking the guy that Amanda made out with at the bar. My boyfriend worked a quick few hours in the next city over, then came home to camp out in the garage finishing old projects and starting new ones. I went to bed early, since I was basically dying of a hangover. (I’m so lame.)

Sunday I felt like a brand new person and cleaned up the whole fucking house. It rained most of the day so I had to pull in my succulents from the patio. I finished up some of the wood shaving flower ensembles I started. Begged boyfriend to come to bed… all lights were off by 10pm (SCORE.)

MONDAY: my alarm went off this morning, because I guess I forgot to disable that small detail. Boyfriend got up and left for work. I forced myself out of bed by 8:30am. I thought about going for a walk, but it’s raining again. I’ve had two cups of coffee, and watered all my indoor plants. I made breakfast, completed 3 levels on Mario Kart, and now I have to go straighten my hair for my 1:00pm interview at a CPA office.

Welp.

My post yesterday seemed sort of hostile and negative. So I’ve decided to counter balance it with a post today about the things that happened last year that I am grateful for:

I learned what it feels like to have a family- an actual loving, supportive family, who gives a shit about your birthday. I felt what it feels likes to be surrounded on holidays and and football Sundays by people who genuinely understand and love me anyways for the person I am on good or bad days.

I learned the integrity it takes to brave the world without a crutch. I learned the daily struggles of sobriety for an addict. I learned about pride, and the sacrifice it sometimes takes to love another. I learned about forgiveness, and what it means to fully trust another.

I fell in love with gardening. Not only fell in love with gardening, but was able to fully submerse myself into a community I otherwise would have never known existed. I’ve learned more about gardening, and growing and the power of nurture this year than I have probably in my whole life.

I was given the opportunity to establish a relationship with my cousins and create new memories to laugh about, which is a gift in itself.

And I fucking learned how to save money. Which might be the most impressive skill of all time. I managed to not only open a savings account, I was able to alter my thoughts about money and it somehow became simple and highly motivating to save my earnings. Without my savings, I most likely would not have had the confidence to quit my job- something that has brightened my year so much already.

 

This past calendar year was a seemingly quick 365, congested with the most colorless and mundane shit I’ve ever filled my time with. I spent a good portion of year contracted into a job I was vastly overqualified for and offensively underpaid for. Feeling like a twelfth grader on the elementary playground, sitting on top of my untapped potential, pretending it didn’t exist for the sake of my crumbling sanity; counting the days to graduation.

I had complained about my job NYE last year and I knew that if 1-year later I had to report the same BS, I’d either be forced to make up something strange and fictional to save face while my boyfriend watched enthusiastically OR, I’d spill out my continual failures and spend the entire night 100% hating the person that I am. With either of these actually being a viable option; I quit my job as soon as my contract ended and laughed when they asked me to, please, stay.

I realize that I put a lot of my personal goals on hold this past year. I put my goals on hold to help other people with theirs. I refuse to spend another year on stagnant waters.