All in all

There’s some moments in life that when they’re happening, you know you’ll remember the feeling forever. I’ve had a lot more of them lately.

I moved on a Saturday, but I’d had my new neighbor’s truck already for a few days. He met me at my favorite bar in Sacramento on a Thursday after work, and scooped me up in a hug before he bought me whiskey and dinner, and asked how I’m holding up? “You’re such a strong girl. You’re doing the right thing.” he tucked my hair behind my ear, and kissed my hand. Later in the parking lot he laughed as he paired my phone to his truck. “I’ve never seen anyone else in the driver seat before.” to feel safe and secure in someone’s presence almost felt foreign.

Moving day was long. Two trips, over 100 miles round trip each time. I stopped at my aunt’s house, on the final trip home. Blunts and champagne in the backyard with my cousins, cheersing to new beginnings and never settling. I left around midnight, and called my neighbor on the way home to ask if I could shower in his guest house. A few minutes later I was pulling his truck into the gravel lot of his ranch, and parked it to the left of my own car. I trailed behind him headed to the guest house. “Do you have all your stuff with you?” He asked, holding the door open for me. “I have nothing!” I laughed, slapping the pockets of my shorts. “Umm, also, could I borrow a shirt?” I left a few hours later, I laughed the whole two miles back to my new house filled with boxes to unpack, so content already with my recent creation. You receive all that you ask the universe for.

My first week of my new commute, I called my cousin on the way home from work. “Where are you?” she chimed.
“Dude, finally hit the country roads. Stopping at the bar before I go home.”
“What bar? Where are you?”
“The Wrangler. I’m on Sheldon.”
“I’M on Sheldon! I’m googling the address, I’ll meet you there!” to be whimsical and free of explanation is the life I thrive in.

The night my neighbor made me cry, I told him I was coming over while I was already on his street. I showed up in pajamas and pulled in next to his truck. I checked his guest house but he wasn’t in it. I went out the back door and immediately went out to the pasture. The moon lit up his entire property. I heard the door to the main house close, and heard his foot steps in the gravel headed to the guest house. “Hey,” I called out from the dark. He laughed before he headed over, enveloping me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. After a few beers at his bar I was sitting on the edge of his bed, facing him, beer in hand, and my insecurities at the door. “You know,” he began. “The way you’re feeling is normal.”
I immediately put my beer up to my lips and drank the rest. He was referencing a text message I sent him earlier that day, after leaving my old house. I was filled with doubt about having walked away from what I knew had potential. I was texting him through my tears, feeling like I had abandoned my relationship without being willing to keep fighting for years to come.

It was too late, I was already crying. Tears streaming down my face was a sight he’d seen far too often in the short time we’ve known each other.

“You have to remember that his problem was never your burden to bare, and that you made the right choice to look after yourself.”
This man sees me as clearly as I want to see myself.

One day I rolled my eyes at him, “shut up. I love you.”
“Yeah,” he laughed. “I love you too.”