I’m having the time of my life.

I make jokes constantly about finding my next husband.
What are you doing this weekend? “Finding my next husband.”
Do you have plans after work? “Just finding my next husband.”
Do you need anything from the store? “Just my next husband.”

I always follow it with maniacal laughter.

I am having the time of my life.

I was dishonest with myself for the past few years. I lied to myself that the life I had settled into was what I wanted, and that it was okay, and that it’s what life is- but I did just that- I settled. I knew I wanted something else. I knew I needed something else. But instead I told myself that his behavior was okay, because I loved him. I told myself that “love” is about accepting your partner’s self destructive habits.

You can’t keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you’re still in hell.

I woke up in July. Honesty is pouring from my eyes, and my ears, and my heart. Honesty with myself. Honesty with the people around me. I called both my parents a few days ago, and cried in each of their arms.

After July, I had so many voids. Voids I didn’t know how to fill, or what to fill them with. I found myself grasping at straws in order to fill them. A boy in my bed. A boy making my coffee. A boy visiting me at work. A boy on my porch. A boy in my garden. A boy driving my car. A boy here, a boy there, a boy everywhere. I needed so badly to give something, anything my love, and my affection.

My mom asked me recently what I do now to fill my time? I laughed as I listed all the things I love. All the things I’d been sacrificing for years, in order to be a perfect housewife. I worked, and then I came home to clean, and to cook, and to clean again, and to pack his lunch for the following day. I told myself I loved it.

I woke up in July to a completely new world.

I will learn the balance of compromise, not sacrifice. I will remain true to myself as I will not make excuses for someone’s shitty behavior in the name of “love”.

I’ll know him when I see him.