The house that raised me

The girl that moved into this house was at-sea. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to start over. She was starving to be loved.

In the moments prior to signing my 5-month lease (that I believed was terrifyingly too long), I had been through hell, and then back, believing that my true home was wedged somewhere between lies, and deceit, and addiction.

I was terrified. Terrified of ‘failing’ without my boyfriend, just like he always said I would. But I was more terrified of continuing to care for someone who clearly did not care about himself.

“You have no recent rental history” my prospective landlord told me. “Without a co-signer, I need an additional month’s rent to secure your lease.”

I broke into silent tears. Standing outside of a job that I hated- and didn’t pay me enough to live on my own anyway. “I don’t know how you expect me to do either one,” I choked back tears, “I have no one willing to lend me money or co-sign for me, except the man that I am trying to get away from.”
“Sorry,” She offered.

I hung up the phone feeling defeated. Feeling worthless and pathetic, and wildly out of line for believing I could ever better myself past what he had already provided for me over the previous years.

The next day I pulled every dollar from every checking, and every savings account I had. I let all my automatic payments for the upcoming months overdraw my accounts, and I paid my landlord, thousands of dollars, after seeing my new home, just once, for 5 minutes at nighttime. I signed my lease after work one Thursday, convinced my neighbor to let me use his truck, and I moved out the next day.

I didn’t know this Podunk town. I didn’t know these roads. I didn’t know my favorite taco shop in town. I didn’t know where the cheapest gas was in town- or even where the nearest station was.

Fueled simply by the determination for a better life.

These walls in this house saw the brunette apparition I was when I moved in. Moving through the motions, without feeling much of anything at all. These walls saw me crumble, and cry, and scream. They saw me drunk as fuck on the floor, unable to stand; hysterically laughing, and they’ve seen me uncontrollably crying. They’ve seen me dancing in the kitchen making dinner by myself, and they’ve seen me hungover throwing together breakfast for my friends. These walls watched me dig a hole, and they watched me unknowingly plant myself into it. These walls watched me grow, they watched me sprout, and they’re supporting me while I bloom. Bloom within this town I selected on whim, this town I learned, this town I fell in love with.

The house that raised me, in this town that taught me to grow.

I walked into my neighborhood bar today, and immediately made eye contact with a man I used to helplessly love. A man whose car I usually would have noticed in the parking lot. A man I would have hated to see here.

“Are you kiddin me?” He beamed as my heels click clacked through the front door of the bar. He widened his arms for me to snuggle into.
“Wow, you’re still hangin’ out in my town, huh?” I laughed as I pulled my hands from my coat pockets, meeting his affection.

Without scanning the room first, I made eye contact with Jewel behind the bar as she flashed an unopened Modelo at me.
“Yes please girl!” I shouted to her as I sat on the same familiar camouflage decorated bar stools in this country bar. As she poured me a water to go with it, I turned my back to the bar for a second and immediately landed my gaze on Lola.
“Hey girl!” I skipped over to her barstool, placed in front of the pool tables, as she kept score of Tuesday night pool league.
“Hey beautiful,” she moved her boyfriend’s sweater off the stool next to her, “I saw you smile at Tim as soon as you walked in.” She rolled her eyes at me, “what the fuck.”
“I know,” I laughed, “what the fuck.”
She turned her whole body towards me, “And who was that guy you were here with two weeks ago? You’re so pretty, and he is so-“
“Ugh! Yeah girl, I know. But the alternative is, that fucking guy.” We both looked towards Tim, as he glanced at us, obviously catching and understanding my tone- knowingly exactly what had been said.

He turned back around to Jewel behind the bar, “Hey! Put all Micaela’s drinks tonight on my tab.”
Lola nudged my leg, “at least there’s that.”

The feelings that used to crush me, now offer me confidence. The things that used to ail me, now heal me. The things that I used to hate about me, are my favorite things about me.

Free yourself of the things that stunt your growth and watch yourself bloom.