Month: May 2020

I’ve been struggling to be patient with myself. I am struggling to be understanding and accepting of any and all flaws I see in myself. I am being so excruciatingly hypercritical of myself that I’m struggling to think of something nice about myself. Just one nice thing.

I can’t pinpoint where this came from, or why it’s so hard to shake. Even in the wake of my usual self-destruction, I have always been able to throw myself a beam of sunshine. A compliment as I pass myself in a window. A playful giggle at a careless mistake.

When I open my mouth to speak, I don’t sound like myself. My thoughts don’t seem to have originated from who I’ve been. I feel like everyone around me is over my shit. I feel like I am over my shit.

I barely know who I am anymore, and I don’t know where I can find me again.

I woke up the same exact way I always do at his house. Hungover, maybe still drunk. Trying to recall every detail of the exact moments leading up to me crawling into his bed the night before.

He curled his right arm around me, and squeezed me into his chest. “You ready for coffee?”
I nodded without opening my eyes, “Mmhmm. Yes please.”

It’s always the same show, different stage.

He brewed us coffee, and as usual, drowned my cup in coffee cream. I didn’t say anything, though. I never do. He handed me a red and yellow striped mug.
“Oh,” my eyes darted between coffee mugs, “You got new mugs.” I reached for mine.
“I made them,” he said, “I took a pottery class with my daughter in Lodi a few weeks ago.”
“They’re cute!” I lifted mine above my head to check the bottom. ‘TEB’ was handwritten in paint. “They’re very cute.” I beamed at him in the pre-dawn darkness.

“Hey,” I began to ask, “Uh, did we have sex last night?”
“Yes, we did.” He replied.
“Did we talk about our feelings?”
“Yep.” He curled an arm around my shoulders.
“Did I cry?”
He gave me a kind side-eye, “yeah.”
“Ugh. Sorry.” I rolled my eyes at myself and leaned away from him. Just this constantly vulnerable, girl always crying for some reason,
“It’s okay,” He pulled me closer, “it’s what we do.”