Before I met you.

Before I met you, I didn’t want a relationship. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, or a partner, or someone to explain myself to.

Before I met you, I felt safe in my home. I didn’t feel the need to deadbolt every door in my house. Before I met you, I didn’t lock all my windows before bed. There was no padlock on my back gate.

Before I met you, I felt independent. I felt liberated. I felt confident. I felt sure of who I was, and content with who I am. Before I met you, I felt proud of my past, and the person it’s made me. Before I met you, I felt happy with where I had made it mentally, and emotionally in life.

Before I met you, I had never been in such a blatantly toxic relationship. I had never been blamed for someone else’s behavior so frequently. I had never been called so many names, or been apologized to so many times. I had never experienced so many highs, immediately followed by so many lows. I’d never broken up with somebody so many times. Before I met you, I didn’t think a romantic relationship had the capacity to be so burdensome. Before you, I’d never been ‘the girl with the crazy boyfriend.’ Before I met you, I’d never regretted leaving my ex.

Before I met you, I didn’t feel the need to check over my shoulder while out in public. I didn’t feel the need to check the surroundings of my car before I walked out from my office.

Before I met you, I had never begged someone to leave me alone. Before I met you, I had never shouted at someone to leave my house. Before I met you, I’d never feared for the lives or well being of my animals. Before I met you, I had never called the cops on anyone.

Before I met you, I didn’t feel the desperate need to keep my social media locked up and off limits. Before I met you, I was proud to write, and offer people the chance to read. Before I met you, I felt free, and carefree, and safe and secure.

I’m struggling every day, just trying to be the same girl I was before I met you.