Humanity

“…so yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to,” I tried to fake a casual tone as I battled to swallow the golf ball growing in my throat.
“Well,” His tone seemed to pierce the air; I could tell he’d been trying hard to bite his tongue the entire time I’d been talking. “I think you’re smarter than the choices you’ve been making.”
I rolled my eyes but, he was right.

I’m smarter than the choices I’d been making, was the exact phrase I kept repeating to myself the whole year.  Life is hard, don’t make it harder.
You can’t keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you’re still in hell.
Take your pick, they all fit my present.
“Can I text you later?” I abruptly asked him, “Natalie is calling.”
“LOVE YOU, BYE.” He announed quickly as he clicked off the line.

“Hi baby!” I whined to Natalie in a huff of relief.
“Hey girl!” She called to me, “Where are you, what are you doing?”
“Can you come get me?” I basically crumbled.
“I’m getting up right now!”

I could feel myself detaching further from you each time I had to listen to you apologize. I could feel myself growing with resentment each time you forced the blame of your insecurities onto me. I could hear the voice in my head getting louder each time you drunkenly berated me. I thought constantly of the girl sitting in your garage 3 summers ago telling herself, this is not for me.
“Sometimes you have to learn the same lesson fourteen times.”

I’ve orchestrated my entire path in life by taking leaps of faith. It’s been beautiful but-
I didn’t make the right choice this time. And I’m working hard every day to forgive myself for it.
Can’t win ’em all.

“I’m so sorry,” she told me as she collected me into a hug the morning after the most recent showing. Drunk and Angry: Party of One.
“I knew it was a possibility,” I told her through tears, “I just didn’t think it would get this bad.”

About a half mile past the very last street lamp, I found a beam of light swiping across the entrance of the muddy drive. A flashlight. I came to a stop as I saw her approach the passenger window.
“Micaela?” She asked me from under the hood of her jacket. Rain fell all around us. Her headlamp illuminated my puffy eyes and tear streaked cheeks. Killer first impression.
I wiped my face dry as I nodded. I knew I looked pathetic. I knew I was going to start leaking more tears any moment.
“I’m so happy you’re here.” She smiled with a pause. “Dean is a little further up the road, he’ll guide you in.” She pointed her flashlight towards the back of the property. “Just take a deep breath. You guys are alright now, okay?” She grabbed my hand through the window.

I was glad I’d poked around the place in the sunlight, or I may have felt nervous about navigating this U-Haul up the road in complete darkness. I saw another headlamp dancing in the distance: Dean.
“Hey,” I greeted him quickly as I pulled up near him and put the truck in reverse.
“Oh, it’s you driving!” He told me, “then you know where you’re going.” He took a step back as he shone his flashlight onto the gravel drive behind me.

“They’re here!” I heard Cathy call out to the property as she trailed through the mud on the way to me. I heard a voice more voices gather before they headed my way.

o0o

“Isn’t it strange,” Kalista told me, “How we are so used to being treated like shit, that the second a stranger shows us an ounce of kindness, we’re just so- surprised. But we’re all just humans, you know? It’s literally just humanity.”