NM

The most surprising thing of all, is that I haven’t missed you a bit.  I don’t wish I could call you and tell you about my day, or the animals, or my progress in buying a house… you’d just change the subject anyway.  I don’t miss seeing you, or asking you to come over, or even going to lunch… where you’d hound me for free legal advice, or make me feel badly for making more money than you. I don’t miss hearing about your made up dramas, or who’s the villain in your story this week. At first this surprised me.

I’m grateful I don’t have to listen to you complain about how the people in your life haven’t done enough for you, even after bending over backwards for years to help you out.  Or listen to how the world hasn’t coddled you enough, even though you’re a 58-year old woman.  Or listen to how much your mom fucked you up, while you somehow manage to ignore that you’ve shown your own children the same emotional neglect and instilled the same fear of abandonment.  I’m grateful I don’t have to answer your call and receive a spew of unsolicited opinions, or listen to you complain about my brother freely living his life after you eagerly hitched your wagon to it.  I’m grateful I don’t have to listen to you talk about how 18-years later, you think your ex-husband still wants you back, and that he’s unhappy in his new life.  I’m grateful I no longer have to absorb your feelings while I suppress my own, just to avoid another explosive reaction from you.  I’m grateful I no longer have to ignore my boundaries, or the fact my inner-child cries the loudest when you’re around.  I’m grateful I no longer have to listen to you accuse everyone else around you of being a narcissist, while you skillfully avoid any shiny surface that might show you your own reflection.  I’m grateful I no longer have to feel like I owe you something, simply because I exist.  Or that my feelings towards you aren’t valid, simply because you refuse to self-reflect.  I’m grateful that even though the last 7 months have been gruesome, that you weren’t there to make it harder on me.

There’s not a single thing about your narcissistic personality that I miss, yet being happier without you somehow makes me feel like I failed as a child.