Month: December 2023

out of storage space

“It’s nice to exist without a pit in your stomach, you know?” I rambled from the driver seat of my 4Runner. I’m grateful I’m able to recall the darkest places of my past casually, as if it were a happy memory. I’ve noticed recently that the only relationships I hold space for are the ones where we can constantly be casually and unreservedly honest with each other.
“I know exactly what you mean,” he agreed.

Even though the throes of change send me internally flailing and silently screaming, convinced that I’m drowning in plain sight… I absolutely thrive in it. The only thing I’m better at than ignoring red flags is blooming in turmoil.

“Only you know when you’ve had enough,” I’ve always offered to my friends during tumultuous times in their lives.

I remember asking myself the same thing for years. Lifelessly staring in the mirror at puffy red eyes and tear-stained cheeks: “When will you have had enough?”

It’s not a coincidence that I began accomplishing my goals after I left him. It’s not a coincidence that I finally feel at peace since I cut her off. It’s not a fluke that I’m not responding to their texts anymore.

It’s not because I hate you. It’s not because I wish you unwell.
It’s that I hope someday, you fall in love with someone just like you.
I hope someday, you find out you’ve had a friend just like you all along.
I hope someday you can reflect on more than just everyone else’s behavior.

The true lesson behind letting someone down is that you teach them they can do it without you around.
You teach them how to survive without you. You teach them how to live without you.

So, it’s not that I hate you, and it’s not that I wish you unwell…
It’s that I’m no longer holding space for the people I’ve needed to heal from.

Anything is possible when you feel safe. Safety affords you the agency of choice. Choice is the doorway out of trauma.

What a treat

January, I experienced humility. Accountability. Unconditional love. New adventures. Old scenery with a renewed sense of self-worth. Hope and optimism, for the first time in a long time. February, I explored a new level of self-sufficiency and public appreciation for my creative mind. March, I learned complete confidence in the version of myself that I’ve become. April, I made the cosmic recognition that I am indeed exactly where I am supposed to be. That I am surrounded only by the people that are intended to love me, and that I am purely a product of my own ideas, goals, and hard work. I recognized that I am deserving of love, and that I am always completely okay if the only person loving me is me. May, I finally felt the reward for my sacrifices in 2022. I took another leap into completing the version of me that I’d imagined. I secured one last goal of self-sufficiency, and safety for the little lives that depend upon me. June was for manifested opportunities, self-reliance, and restoring my confidence in blind leaps of faith. July reminded me that I’m human, that I long to be loved, and that I’m capable of giving genuine unreserved love and loyalty. August tested me, proved my self-sufficiency, but also reminded me how safe some people can make me feel. September showed me how strong I am in my boundaries, in my expectations of those around me, and in my ability to stick to my beliefs even against the unexpected crowd that might choose to challenge me. October humbled me, showed me gratitude for my health, and reminded me that I have such a loving support system and crew of individuals that care if I succeed. It reminded me how loved, appreciated, and cared-for I am in this life. November was a lesson in honesty, and vulnerability. It pushed me into the acceptance of myself and of others and showed me others’ acceptance of me. I’m grateful for December, and I’m grateful for this year. I’m grateful for the ability to stand my ground, acknowledge my self-worth, and act upon my instincts. I’m grateful for my past and the understanding it’s given me of myself, others, and the world I’ve created for myself. I’m grateful for my will to survive the times I didn’t care if I did. I’m grateful for this microscopic human existence, and the beauty I’ve painted within it.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve had this good of a time.