my boy

Whenever someone asks if I’m religious or if I believe in a God, my response includes: “the forest”, “the wilderness” something to the effect of Mother Nature being my higher power.

My whole life I’ve been a hiker. A camper. An explorer. A sit-on-a-rock-in-the-sun, swim-in-the-lake-naked, catch-me-in-the-forest kinda gal ✌ I bring my problems to the dirt. I let the Earth soak them in instead, relieving me, even if briefly, of the wretched Human Experience.

The last few weeks have been filled with grief and anger and tension headaches from constant tears. I’ve been struggling to find beauty in the sunset. I find only anger in the clouds and betrayal in the dirt. I feel nothing but rage when the skyline catches my attention, or the when the sun reflects off the pine needles on the other side of the river. I’m angry at the forest. I hate the sounds of the wildlife.

I want to kick, and scream, and kill.

I’ve never felt betrayal so deep. After all the years I’ve worshipped Her, how could She let this happen?

I’ve been trying to simmer myself in grace, but I feel guilty any time I feel relief. I feel guilty if I appreciate anything. I feel guilty when I’m not experiencing debilitating heartbreak.

Mother Nature parades on, regardless of my broken, bleeding, grieving heart. The leaves fall, and the seasons change, and the sun sets, and the dusk brings me another round of anger to process each night. The deer pick through the forage, and the turkeys scratch around in the leaves, and the quail congregate in the driveway, and I have to remind myself to not be angry that they still have their lives after yours was taken by this exact forest.

I will forever find you in the other living matters that appear when I’m thinking of you. I will forever talk to you, and think of you, and blow a kiss to your photo in the barn. I will forever talk about you, and remember you, and hug your brothers tight as I think about the sacrifice you made for them.

The herd, and my heart, will forever hold a void.

Being your mom is the proudest title I’ve ever held. Thank you for being mine.