I owe it all to her

I’ve been feeling very nostalgic lately- My least favorite of the feelings, if I’m being honest.

It’s the nostalgia alone that makes me grovel in gratitude that I’ve curated a life free from shame or regret. Free from any memories that might make this sweet nostalgia feel apocalyptic. I’ve learned how to, and so very eagerly, shed light and love onto every version of myself. Accepting her through every misstep, every mistake, every over-stayed welcome when she should have seen the signs.

Being on the tail end of healing, means being absolutely aware that it was those scrappy past versions of myself navigating the land mines and closed doors that landed me where I am today. Being on the tail end of healing, has proved to me that not every lose is a loss, not every sweet memory requires resuscitation, and not every apology requires reconnection.

Being on the tail end of healing, I’ve discovered that somehow, a late apology hurts more than no apology at all.

I’m grateful I get to reflect on her troubles, trials, tribulations, and sorrow and sadness and trauma with admiration and absolute disbelief of her will to survive, her determination to thrive, her relentless need for peace, her gumption to keep starting over and over until she found where she belongs. My life full of peace, understanding, love, and acceptance, from every outlet- I owe it all to her.

Her hardships, and deprivation, disappointments, and betrayal, heartbreak, and misery- they were not all for nothing.