Wild Little Hare

Recently I was finding myself slightly bitter over a few things I could not change.   For weeks, I found myself struggling to see the good.  I couldn’t feel it; I couldn’t feel anything, but- I heard myself.  I heard the things I said and the way I spoke, the way my thoughts were struggling to stay half full.

I was being so hard on myself that I was crushing myself more and more everyday.  Everyday was a battle just to interact with the world, just to think, just to be. 

I made this beautiful watercolor portrait that I couldn’t even love.  I was so distant from myself, I would see it when I would pass by the spare bedroom and I didn’t even know who painted it.

I couldn’t figure it out for such a long time that I could feel myself growing roots there.  Like when ivy starts to spread, and it covers up everything that was there and then everything is just ivy every day after that.

I come from a family of two parents that met scandously, and married too young.  My mom, a young blonde from a rough childhood who wanted to have children of her own only to prove to herself she was nothing like her mother.  My dad, a young entrepreneur with a drinking problem and a need to take care of a woman.

After my parents’ divorce, my dad remarried the same year, my mom struggled to find a job.  I fell in deep to my family of friends and did my best to manage living with my mother and her newfound freedom.

My mom always told me, life was “hard”, and that I’d need to find a man to support me.  My dad always told me I’m “pretty enough” to be picky finding a man.  My two brothers married their high school sweethearts almost immediately after graduation and purchased houses and had babies. 

I still can’t understand why.  It didn’t work for mom and dad.  In fact, 13 years after the divorce of my parents, they still openly slander the other.  The other that they openly vowed to have and to hold, for all of eternity or however that bullshit goes.  I didn’t understand it when I was 12, and I understand it even less at 25.  

So instead of marrying the first guy that looked at me twice, and getting knocked up with two of his kids just so that he could leave me for his sister’s bestfriend- I traveled.  I spent pre-high school graduation and well into my twenties skipping towns and absorbing any and all experiences I could.  Queen of relocating.  And it’s not that I’m a cynic to love.  It’s that I’m incredibly misunderstood, which has got to be the only thing my family has ever taught me.  I knew that one day I would fall madly in love, and I wanted to make sure my restless soul was exhausted by then- ready to settle.

So, I found my heart in an old friend of mine, and I moved back home and I’m happily settling down at rapid speeds.   I was so eager to share this with my family, because we finally have something in common; it’s all that they’ve been screaming at me the whole time.

But instead, my family treats me like the flighty gypsy they always have.  The free spirit, the independent thinker, “the mover”.  They refuse to love something until they see it can be loved by another.  But it’s just something you deal with I guess.  I’m grateful for my family of friends, and I’m grateful for my boyfriend’s parents, and I’m grateful for the family I’ve found.

“Family” is subjective I suppose, just like “home”.

Recently a thought that’s weighed heavy on my mind- is provoked by females (and probably some males too) that ditch their longtime friends for a romantic relationship. 

You will never live in a world where you can  A.) Talk poorly of your lover   B.) Be treated poorly by your lover   and still maintain a level of respect by the people that care for you.  If you can sit around and talk about your man/female as if their shit ain’t shit and “he ain’t even cute”, “she a hoe anyway”, and your friends don’t call you out on your shit: That aintcha boo, and that aintcha friend.

Relationships aren’t on the easy list- but they sure as fuck aren’t on the Things to Make You Miserable list either. 

The energy you allow in, the love you accept, the treatment you tolerate, all says novels about you.  If you accept a lesser form of “love”, and you bitch and moan- and your bestfriend doesn’t hate your girl/boyfriend for it… you have nothing but fakes in your life, and you should take a weekend to reevaluate your life. 

I can feel myself changing so frequently these days, it’s almost hard to hold onto a feeling long enough to write about it.  I find myself filling in the right words without any real actual correlation as the moment has passed.

My bestfriend sent me a picture the other day- a picture from May.  A scent of a time in my life before everything was derailed.  Thrown off track and travelling at great speeds towards destination unknown.  Before I got fired from my court job.  Just before I moved away.  Just before I  realized real love.

It’s astonishing and exciting and exhilarating  and completely terrifying the way the universe listens to exactly what you want.  Everything happens for a reason, everything is perfect timing.

I remember feeling so confused about my career.  About my home.  About my whole entire future.  And then I found myself on the fast track to different opportunities, different friends, different cities, different experiences, all different everything.

I had to travel the world just one more time, to discover everything I needed had been under my nose the whole time.

For well over a year, I exhausted every road that might lead me to live in the bay.  I tried so hard to make it happen for myself, and got so incredibly frustrated when things didn’t pan out the way I’d wished.  I was working against what I knew I should be doing instead,  but it was just one of those things I apparently had to learn.  So, when I was presented with an opportunity to finally live in the bay, I jumped on it without thinking twice.

Weeks before I moved, I was working a job I really liked.  I was actually preparing to move to my own spot in downtown, and- I was happy.   I never went very long without my bestfriend.

I moved to chase a career that I applied myself to a lifetime ago.  I was digging up my past hoping to make a future out of it.  I got in contact again with the shell of a friend, under the false pretense that there was substance left to our friendship, and moved in.  I worked 2 jobs I didn’t like, and lived in a shitty house with folks I found greatly disgusting.  I was the most unhappy I’d been in years, and I didn’t even realize it.

In retrospect, everything I experienced was everything that I asked for.  Every piece of knowledge I picked up, was something I had been yearning to learn.  I’m thankful for the experiences, the lessons, I’m thankful I was not blind for very long.

Unpacking my new, beautiful, top floor apartment yesterday, I experienced something I haven’t experienced in a long long time.  I felt a sense of peace, a sense of belonging.  I felt a sense of accomplishment.  A sense of serenity within the universe that, regardless of what I’ve seen, or where I’ve been,  I’ve  finally found my home. ❤

What’s always fascinated me, is the act of “living somewhere”.  Anywhere. Everywhere. Having a spot of residence in any one place in the universe.  Everyone’s home is somewhere different than yours. Mentally, emotionally, geographically.

You don’t have to live anywhere you don’t want to.
You don’t have to be anyone you don’t want to.

I can vividly remember every bedroom I’ve ever had. Every house, every city, every life it led.
Short excerpts and memories from life that time I lived in…

I love the conversations that follow the statement: “I lived there once!”
Everyone is so fascinated by travel.
Everyone loves someone familiar with their hometown.

Trying on towns and cities, finding what fits best, finding what doesn’t fit at all.  What if your neighbors in the next city over ‘get you’ more than your neighbors here?  What if you never met the bestfriend you have now?  What if your perfect lover lives in a different city, but you never meet because neither of you traveled?  What if you never discover the best rib eye you’ll ever eat just because you never stopped anywhere new?

Evolving has become a hobby for me.  A curve in the monotony of work and home and work and home and work.  Keep it fresh. Change it up.  Change cities.  Change jobs.  Change your physical perspective on life.  New freeway exit in your list of directions home.  Have a new closest Target.  Have a new Best Taco Shop Nearby.

If you never grow, you’ll be an infant forever.

My favorite parts of my boyfriend are the parts of him that expose me to myself. I notice that when I brainstorm ideas with him, my thoughts are the clearest they’ve ever been. When I speak to my boyfriend, I catch myself being more honest with him than I’ve ever been with myself. Our relationship in its own blows my mind every day, with the way we met, how long it took us to connect, the intensity in which we both fell in love, and the radiation of adoration in which we see each other- but that’s a different story entirely.

I was out to lunch with my wonderful boyfriend last week, when he asked me what was wrong?
I could feel my eyes grow huge as I set my beer down, “what do you mean?”

“You’ve had something on your mind for a few days now,” he raised his eyebrows. “Tell me.”

I’ve had something on my mind. Something weighing heavy on my mind. And it reminds me of each time I’ve looked into my bestfriends eyes with watery eyes of my own, “dude how do I know if I’m making the right decision?”

“Every decision,” she always tells me, “is the right one.”

And she’s right. Because even if it doesn’t turn out how you wished, you still learned. And you still grow. And you still experienced a slice of life you otherwise wouldn’t have.

I hate losing friends. And I love making excuses for friends. And I’m grateful for my true friends that remind me, it’s not a friend if you need to find excuses. And if it’s not a friend to begin with, you haven’t lost a friend at all.

I’ve been pardoning myself and my behaviors and my thoughts lately as, “I’m just going through a weird time in my life.” It’s always followed with a chuckle because I am by no means apologizing, just offering up a reason for my out of character thoughts.

For almost a month now, my boyfriend has been using the same phrases again and again to help me get through the funk I found. “It sucks when friends become different people” and “Well that’s not much of a friend now, is it?”

It’s not a mistake. It wasn’t gold to begin with, so I can’t feel bad for not valuing it as such. I tried something out and it didn’t work. I recover well, I adapt quickly, and I always come out on top. I’m feeling so over-the-top thankful for the people in my life. The new, the original and the real. I’m learning so much these days. Learning about who I was, who I am, who I want to be, and who I want there for it.

I enjoy changes so much. And the universe usually provides it in extremities. I don’t just change within myself so simply. The job, the house, the car, the city always changes with it.

I start my new job tomorrow; may the rest follow…

I believe that you are a creation of every experience you’ve ever had. Choose them wisely.

Every word you’ve ever heard, every action you’ve ever seen, every place you’ve ever been, every person you’ve ever met, has shaped your path. Your thoughts become actions. Your actions become your world.

Something that I’ve been determined to learn, is how to quickly move past the vexation caused by others that simply do not care for my personality. It’s not something that I’m terrific at, and I haven’t gotten much practice, but I’m definitely getting the hang of dismissing those that simply do not care for me.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

What others think of you is none of your business. You cannot live a positive life if you focus only on the negative. Learn from not only your mistakes, but the mistakes of others as well.

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

You do not owe anyone an apology or an explanation. Anyone who has decided not to like you has already made up their minds, and it is not your responsibility to change it. So, remove yourself from their company. You cannot continue dancing with the devil and wonder why you’re still in hell.

“Don’t cry over a quarter when there’s a million dollars a head of you.”

Do not dwell on the handful of people that have decided not to like you, when there is a whole world full of people ready to love you.  After all, a lion does not lose sleep over the opinion of a sheep.

It breaks my heart to think that someone can sacrifice so much of themselves for someone else, that they no longer feel like they need the comfort of friends in their lives.

I’ve been struggling to understand and to come to terms with the fact that everyone loves differently. Everyone seeks romantic relationships for different reasons, and as much as I can hope that it’s to better themselves and each other, I understand that this is not always the case.

I’m a firm believer in that you are a product of everyone you’ve met. You become a reflection of the world around you, and you are the perfect combination of the experiences you’ve created. I believe that if you continue to surround yourself in the same environment, you will soon cease to grow. You will cease to learn. You will cease to become.

I’ve witnessed former friends begin relationships that they were not ready for. Hopping in, neck-deep, into uncharted waters. I’ve witnessed friends transform from bestfriends to strangers, because of their significant other’s opinion of their other friendships. I’ve lost friends partially, temporarily, permanently, over their romantic relationships and this reason alone is why I was a disbeliever in romantic relationships altogether for such a long embarrassing time. How could I even become attracted to someone in the first place who disliked my friends?  …I am literally a product of the people I choose to surround myself with.

I believe you should seek love in someone who challenges you. Someone who empowers you. Someone who makes certain you’re maintaining a positive attitude. Who reminds you that you’re loved. Loved without conditions. Loved without question. Someone who teaches you. Someone who learns from you. Someone who brainstorms with you.  Someone who makes certain you’re staying true to yourself, regardless of what that might mean for their own wants.

It breaks my heart to think that girls I once considered friends are disregarding parts of themselves to please someone else. It breaks my heart to think that these girls think that’s what love is about. It’s breaking my heart trying to understand that everyone just wants to feel loved, even if that means destroying parts of themselves.

Is it still “love” if you’re constantly just trying to earn it?

We’ve created a complex world for ourselves in which we’re all simply trying to exist. We’ve made it as hard as possible on ourselves and for each other just to survive. Equality cannot exist in this world we’ve made because equality has become a subjective term. Subject to terms, and conditions. Perhaps equality cannot be the answer because it’s seemingly unattainable.

I’ve always believed that stereotypes exist because they are true. It isn’t conducive to peace to be angered by truth.  Denying the truth won’t make it a lie. Not all stereotypes are degrading. If you don’t like something, change it. If you’re not willing to change it, shut the fuck up. Nothing worth having comes easy. Stop fitting the stereotype, watch it dissipate. Don’t deny the truth, rewrite the truth.

There has become a large open space between society, and the officers sworn to serve and protect society. Regardless of the side you identify with, there’s absolutely no denying that it’s terrifying. It’s heartbreaking. And it’s 100% preventable.