Wild Little Hare

I had some errands I was supposed to do today, but I blew them off to teach myself the chords of an acoustic guitar instead. A guitar which is offensively out of tune. I also was a total piece of shit today; It’s almost 7pm and I finally just washed my face and put a bra on.

I thought all day today about how totally blessed I am to live the life I have. I’ve always felt so extremely lucky, but recently mostly, I’ve been feeling pretty happy, and secure, and worry free. I’m feeling pretty leap-of-faithy also. I’ve been living in a whirlwind of self pressure to write a book and start a business.

My book is so close to finished but I feel that I’ve been dragging my feet (for the last 2 years) and I can’t chalk it up to anything but fear. Fear is something I’ve never felt before lol. I’ve told all my stories before, but to publish them in print for strangers to read, stalkers to stalk, my parents to gasp- that’s a whole new level of storytelling.

As far as starting a business; I have the tools, I have then knowledge, I have the business partner, and we have promising clientele. I have all the free time in the world- it would be so juvenile not to use it to finally chase my dreams.

So I quit my job; Friday was my last day.

Friday night I went downtown with my cousin. We drank, and we smoked, and we made friends with everyone we made eye contact with. We went downtown with intention to bar hop, but had such a great time and the first bar, we stayed all night. I woke up the next day at 6a (per usual) and Amanda was already awake too! We still-drunkenly laughed in my guest bedroom until my boyfriend woke up to take us to get breakfast burritos.

Saturday we spent draped across the couches under blankets, watching Black Mirror, and Facebook stalking the guy that Amanda made out with at the bar. My boyfriend worked a quick few hours in the next city over, then came home to camp out in the garage finishing old projects and starting new ones. I went to bed early, since I was basically dying of a hangover. (I’m so lame.)

Sunday I felt like a brand new person and cleaned up the whole fucking house. It rained most of the day so I had to pull in my succulents from the patio. I finished up some of the wood shaving flower ensembles I started. Begged boyfriend to come to bed… all lights were off by 10pm (SCORE.)

MONDAY: my alarm went off this morning, because I guess I forgot to disable that small detail. Boyfriend got up and left for work. I forced myself out of bed by 8:30am. I thought about going for a walk, but it’s raining again. I’ve had two cups of coffee, and watered all my indoor plants. I made breakfast, completed 3 levels on Mario Kart, and now I have to go straighten my hair for my 1:00pm interview at a CPA office.

Welp.

My post yesterday seemed sort of hostile and negative. So I’ve decided to counter balance it with a post today about the things that happened last year that I am grateful for:

I learned what it feels like to have a family- an actual loving, supportive family, who gives a shit about your birthday. I felt what it feels likes to be surrounded on holidays and and football Sundays by people who genuinely understand and love me anyways for the person I am on good or bad days.

I learned the integrity it takes to brave the world without a crutch. I learned the daily struggles of sobriety for an addict. I learned about pride, and the sacrifice it sometimes takes to love another. I learned about forgiveness, and what it means to fully trust another.

I fell in love with gardening. Not only fell in love with gardening, but was able to fully submerse myself into a community I otherwise would have never known existed. I’ve learned more about gardening, and growing and the power of nurture this year than I have probably in my whole life.

I was given the opportunity to establish a relationship with my cousins and create new memories to laugh about, which is a gift in itself.

And I fucking learned how to save money. Which might be the most impressive skill of all time. I managed to not only open a savings account, I was able to alter my thoughts about money and it somehow became simple and highly motivating to save my earnings. Without my savings, I most likely would not have had the confidence to quit my job- something that has brightened my year so much already.

 

This past calendar year was a seemingly quick 365, congested with the most colorless and mundane shit I’ve ever filled my time with. I spent a good portion of year contracted into a job I was vastly overqualified for and offensively underpaid for. Feeling like a twelfth grader on the elementary playground, sitting on top of my untapped potential, pretending it didn’t exist for the sake of my crumbling sanity; counting the days to graduation.

I had complained about my job NYE last year and I knew that if 1-year later I had to report the same BS, I’d either be forced to make up something strange and fictional to save face while my boyfriend watched enthusiastically OR, I’d spill out my continual failures and spend the entire night 100% hating the person that I am. With either of these actually being a viable option; I quit my job as soon as my contract ended and laughed when they asked me to, please, stay.

I realize that I put a lot of my personal goals on hold this past year. I put my goals on hold to help other people with theirs. I refuse to spend another year on stagnant waters.

While I appreciate your remorse to see me go, there’s nothing I could put on this list that I haven’t already said I needed. There’s nothing I could put on this list that I haven’t already asked for, and was told yes, and nothing ever grew from it, or instead was flat out told No. There’s nothing I could put on this list that doesn’t come standard at any other workplace, without having to be begged for.

I realize that I have been an asset to this company, as my work ethic has never changed. It is however, the first time I have struggled to obtain the standard benefits that come with even being a subpar employee. How unfair that the only way I was able to gain standard benefits is to present an ultimatum. Now knowing that you have had the resources to treat me like a respected employee, but instead have chosen not to, stings.

I thank you for the previous pay raises I have received thus far, even though my starting pay rate was unfairly lower than the rest. I thank you for loaning me the money to fix my car when that starting pay rate wasn’t enough to afford car insurance. I thank you for listening to my previous lists of what I needed from an employer to stay within a company, even if it was just my words filling the air.

I thank you for everything you’ve provided thus far, however, there’s nothing I could put on this list that I haven’t already told you I needed to stay.

I’ve noticed a pattern.  It seems to occur about the same time each year; I’m hit with this tidal wave of unrelenting, discomposure and distress, which more often than not- (God bless my Latin descent) results in pure, exasperated, supreme rage.  The focal point of disarray varies from year to year, so at least this mercury retrograde lookalike tries to keep it fresh every November.

Bullshit ranging anywhere from my revolving door of sometimes shitty, normally unfulfilling jobs, to the night my cat died unexpectedly and traumatically at 3am, or even just the torturous holidays spent with my cynical, condemnatory family, all the way to psycho broads that lied for years about being my friend, even that one time I almost died on the way home from working a 2 hour shift- November never fails to bring an excess of emotional turmoil in it’s purest form.  Every year I know it’s coming but god damn, I am never ready.

This year it seems as if it started up early, culminating Mid-October and then by November 16th (typically D-Day) things were full fledged out of fucking control, mayday mayday, we are going all the way down.

I’m trying to not get off-topic here but all the aforementioned crises have me launched into story-telling mode, while this entry is really about one thing: Friends.  Now let me be clear because I’m not talking about “used to know her from high school-used to work in the same office-she knew my old roommate-we used to be neighbors” friends- I’m talking some real down ass bitches that are there for you not when you need them- but every god damn day.

The friends that know what you’re doing this weekend, on Tuesday.  The friends that have the pep talks ready for you before you’ve even shown obvious signs of needing one.  The friends that can e-mail you something without asking first what your e-mail address is.  The friends that you talk to every single day, out of habit.  The friend that doesn’t leave the conversation without telling you you’re loved.  The friend that knows what your baggage is, and also skips passing judgment on it.  The friend that says things to you, not about you.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that it’s hella rude to call someone Friend, but fail to ever actually treat them like one.

 

Ice Cream Queen out.

50. What is the social event you hate the most?
 all of them lol.  especially the night clubs, and the grocery store.

51. What is the best thing that you have done, just because you were told you can’t?  got a well paying job without going to college

52. What is an obscure food that you have eaten that most people never tried?  I ate one of the berries off the tree outside of work and I’m not sure I was supposed to

53. If you could visit any fictional town, what would it be?
Hogwarts, obviously

54. When did you realize people had accepted you as an adult? 
lol yikes #guessimstillwaiting

55. What is the craziest thing you’ve seen somebody do at the workplace?
When I was a child, my lunch lady ate my lunch in front of me.  Once when I was 22 I watched a supervisor light a coworker’s wedding photo on fire and slide it under the bathroom door while he was shitting.  Also one time, my manager found me smoking weed with my coworker in the parking garage, actually I once let myself and my friends into that office to smoke weed after the bars one night.  YO GET A JOB IN BAIL BONDS

56. What is your current desktop wallpaper?
the Windows logo

57. What is the most cliché thing you have done in your life?
oh, I don’t know.  I’m pretty obsessed with my boyfriend if that counts.

58. What is the word you absolutely hate people for using?
I mostly just hate when people speak

59. Give me your deepest, most profound quote you just made up. 
USE UR BLINKER AND GET IN WHERE U FIT IN

60. What is the most laid back job you have ever had?
regardless of the fact my job is really boring- my present boss stays on top of my pay increases, and doesn’t cry when I’m 15 minutes late everyday.  \m/

I am constantly doubting myself when speaking on politics (as you read) and especially when it comes to racial issues.  There’s so many other people that scream out their uneducated opinion with no regard to other people’s opinions, so I’m really not sure what’s stopping me.  There is no doubt that there is an imbalance in the justice system.  But I just can’t help but to think that all the patterns that you choose to see, are the patterns that you contribute to.  Stereotypes are ugly, but they exist, and they became real because they apply to certain circumstances.

I made the mistake of voicing my opinion on twitter earlier, and now I’m fired up again.  Being a mostly Spanish girl, who has pale skin in the winter, there are stereotypes that I face (they’re mostly pretty dumb, but it’s all I got):

“Women are terrible drivers” (could you imagine if I was also Asian??)  Women being awful drivers could be a fact- I don’t care enough to do the research.  Yeah, I think this stereotype is dumb, but guess what- so are a lot of women.  We’re not talking about men right now.  Personally, I practice safe driving at a legal speed, with the proper documentation (license/registration/evidence of insurance), and I maintain a safe following distance.  What are my other options?  Get a ticket?  Run amok on the freeway? (Hopefully BLM isn’t standing in oncoming traffic that day), and act like a threat to society? No fucking thank you.  Not the life I want for myself. 

Something that just came to mind actually is female rights as a whole- duh.  Why didn’t I think of this before?  Women aren’t supposed to make as much money as men, and we’re actually supposed to be stay at home moms.  Women don’t need to go to college, or vote, or play sports, or be politicians.  Women are supposed to be quiet, and submissive, and in the kitchen.

Well guess what: I work a full time job.  I make almost the same amount per hour as my boyfriend, who works as a Foreman in construction.  Why?  Because I work a job where I know my worth, and continually ask my male boss for raises.  What does he say about my requested pay raise?  “You’re right!”  Would I like to be a stay at home mom?  When I have kids- yes.  Do I want kids- fuck no.  Did I go to college- I tried.  I’ve played multiple sports.  I’ve never voted- which is a topic that would take a completely different blog entry.  Am I quiet or submissive- I’ll let you answer that. Do I cook a mean brunch and a delicious dinner?  Fuck yeah I do- but so does my tall handsome man.

What I’m trying to say is that you won’t get what you want by disrespecting your country, or standing on the freeway during rush hour, or posting about inequality on Facebook.  You’ll achieve things by ACTING on things.  BE the change you want to see.  Don’t think that your entire race is being treated fairly by law enforcement?  Join the police academy.  Be a Sheriff for your County.  Study Criminal Justice- Be a Judge in the justice system.  DO SOMETHING other than what you’re doing currently, because according to your riots and cries on social media, ITS NOT WORKING.  Until you’re ready to personally contribute to the change you want to see- shut the fuck up.

End rant, I’m cracking another beer.

Straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever, oh oh oh

I’ve been mulling over a time that I was dishonest.  I’m marinating in my regret and wishing I could change the past.  Maybe I would have achieved the greatest thing I would ever achieve.  Maybe I would have been great.   Maybe I would have been successful.  Or maybe I would have hated it, and myself, and the dream I tried to make my own.   I’m trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and that it was just a tough lesson.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

I used to be a little blurry on what that meant.  It wasn’t until I was wallowing on the side of “what if” to understand what it meant.

Anyways, the answer is to say it straight up.
Sugarcoating only adds insult to injury.

There are just some people that bring out the best in you. People that inspire you to be the person that you want to be.  People that celebrate everything that makes your existence.  People that encourage you to be true to yourself, and explore every part of yourself. 

Then there are some people that exhaust you to no end.  There are other people who make you feel like you’re not even in the room.  There are other people you’ve made a complete fool of yourself in front, of but they hug you and tell they love you anyway.  Then there are people you’ve made a complete fool of yourself in front of, and it was the last time you’ve ever seen them.